BAMF Special Snowed-In Weekend Edition: The Protector

Due to inclement weather botching plans, we were in the mood for something that wasn't 12 Years a Slave or Dallas Buyers Club or any of the multiple downer movies in our queue. "The Protector, eh? ... Tony Jaa? Sure."

If you're not familiar with the bad-assery that is Tony Jaa, step away from this one and immediately watch Ong Bak (which, coincidentally, is the last movie we reviewed here before taking a leave of absence).

The Protector is presented by Quentin Tarantino, so that was a bit of a head's up that shit's 'bout to get real. And it did.

The plot line kinda went in and out for me; it's generally a revenge film involving elephants who were part of the family. So y'know, heartfelt, but also filled with bad guys gettin' the s-h-i-i-i-i-i-i-t beat out of them. By one dude. Tony Jaa (or "Kham").

It reminded me of John Wick, which we watched last week and should also have its own post... Anywho, it's a great formula; take an expert fighter/professional killer and harm or attempt to harm the animal he loves and cares for? Of course the audience wants to see the malicious parties completely obliterated! Like, the next Taken movie should involve a pug puppy or something. Take that shit to a whole new level.

So what, specifically, made this movie so Bad Ass? Well, for starters, soooo many broken bones. Sure, the sound effects were a little heavy-handed at times, but still, Kham was stackin' 'em up. Then, he kept taking on opponents with weapons, while he mostly remained unarmed. I say "mostly" because toward the end, when he's fighting these insane mammoth motherfuckers who are like 7'2" and 300+ pounds of solid muscle, he still manages to take 3 or 4 of them down by using friggin' elephant bones. Remembering how modest Jaa is in size, this was easily one of the most ridiculous fight scenes I've ever seen. ELEPHANT BONES!

It's not all flawless bad-guy-butt-kicking though; Jaa takes his fair share of hard hits. And falls. And stabbings, apparently. At one point in the movie, while taking on what seems to be an endless stream of opponents (think Kill Bill), Jaa, just as he's losing steam, gets stabbed in the ribs. Surely this must be the end. But  no, apparently getting stabbed is his canned spinach. He some how gets re-charged and proceeds in amped-up ass-whoopings.

The movie ends on a positive note, revenge is served, and all is well.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars. I pushed for 4.5, but Doug reminded me of the crappy acting and low-budget effects. So, 4 it is.

Did Tam cry? I teared up a bit at different points, yes. That baby elephant got to me, yo. No where near as many tears shed during John Wick though. Ugh.

Ong Bak

More martial arts this week. I enjoyed this one much more. Probably some of the sweetest fight scenes I've ever seen. And there was even some comedic moments mixed in too, to help keep my narcoleptic-ass engaged.

The leading dude, Tony Jaa, is pretty unsuspecting; smaller, lean physique, yet he regularly beats the shit out of guys 2 or 3 times his size.

One of my favorite Bad-Ass moments? When dude's legs are literally ON FIRE and he kicks the crap out of a bad guy, also catching him on fire. There was bullet-dodging, crafty (yet painful to watch) saw blade/knife action and even a beloved explosion.

I really dug this movie. Good pace, lots of moments where he has to save someone and just all around well-choreographed fight scenes where one lonesome dude has to take on a mob. He even took down a 'roided out dude not once, but twice. Even drug enhancements couldn't stop 'im.

We ended up giving it 4 stars out of 5. I was willing to give it a higher rating, but Doug talked me out of it. His reasoning was, as usual, "it wasn't Die Hard," but I think we may have to re-evaluate our rating system, specifically the Die Hard comparisons.

Anywho, rating aside, this was legit Bad-Ass.

Did Tam cry? I did! Toward the end, during the passing of one of the characters. Couldn't help myself.

13 Assassins

Thirteen Assassins had been in our queue for a while, so last night, we finally gave it a shot.

Good (and true) story line, though that first hour had me either nodding off or grimacing at the violence. Some hari-kari mixed with some pretty fucked up results from a corrupt and all around sociopathic leader.

The battle scene was plentiful (took up most of the second half of the film), gruesome, high-paced and impressive. Thirteen samurais taking on an army of over 200. Mostly sword fighting, but some other weaponry as well. There were even some explosions, which always scores extra points. Insane, bloody and a victorious ending. Well, mostly.

We agreed on 4 stars out of 5. I was leaning toward 3.5 and Doug wanted 4.5, so we split the difference.

Killer Elite

Little bit of a delay in getting this watched this week, but we still made it before the new work week. This seemed like a decent choice given the cast. Three of my favorite boys with "Killer" in the title? Sure, why not.

Slowest two hours of my life. Occasional gruesome violence. Lots of double-crossing. It was pretty "meh" until the last 25 minutes or so. Plenty of building-jumping, hand-to-hand combat and close calls. Even De Niro kept up with the young bloods and had a few good moves. In fact, those last few minutes saved the rating a bit.

Overall, we agreed 3 stars out of 5. It just moved too slow and while the last few scenes were good, there just wasn't enough edge-of-your seat moments. Or explosions. Definitely needed more explosions.

Did Tam cry? No.

Die Hard 2: Die Harder

All in all, ok, but of course, not as good as the original. There simply wasn't as much at stake. I mean, it's gonna take more to engage me in the plot than blowing up a plane full of British people. Yawn.

Seeing John Amos was kinda cool. And it was my first time seeing Fred Thompson in a movie. Taking the guy out with an icicle? Yeah, pretty Bad-Ass. The final plane scene was decent as well.

Just too much back-and-forth for me. Where's McClane? Oh, he's looking at maps with the janitor... Wait, no, now he's at the church trying to sneak up on the bad guys... Strike that, now he's back at the airport tower.


Doug and I agreed, 3.5 stars out of 5.

Did Tam cry? No.

Crank

OMG, this movie was hilariously terrible. I mean, semi-Bad-Ass, but not truly Bad-Ass. Mostly ridiculous with awful, awful writing.

Jason Statham is, surprise!, a professional killer. Gets injected with some kind of drug that slows him down and he's supposed to die within an hour. But instead, he figures out he can stay alive by constantly pumping up his adrenaline, mostly with drugs and sex. Blah, blah, blah. This movie had everyone in it though! Dwight Yokam, Pedro, Dennis from It's Always Sunny, the lead singer from Linkin Park (or however the hell you spell it)... So that was pretty cool.

Don't get me started on Amy Smart though. Holy shit, I wanted to commit murder through the screen so badly when her character was introduced. And let's be real, she's not nearly good-looking enough to be convincible as Jason Statham's girlfriend. Like they couldn't find a better-looking shitty actress. Funny line though; (and I'm paraphrasing) "Baby, I'm not really a video game programmer... I'm a professional killer." HA! Jason Statham, the ridiculously hot, in-shape video game programmer, with the homely, pothead girlfriend. Right. Suspension of Disbelief was in full-effect last night, folks.

Pretty violent scenes. Pedro's character got it pretty bad, as did a few of the bad guys. And the biggest "Whaaaaat?!" scene of them all? Dude is speeding, in a car chase, and shoots one of the cars off the road... WHILE GETTING HEAD! Yeah, that scene alone kept this movie from getting a completely shit rating. As Doug referred to it, "Car-chase shoot-out road-head." There's a pub quiz team name for ya.

To its credit, the pace moved pretty well and kept us engaged and entertained. It was just stupid as shit with a pretty terrible soundtrack. Quiet Riot, a *cover* of "Achy Breaky Heart," Jefferson Starship... Ugh. So, we both agreed, 2.5 stars out of 5.

Did Tam cry? No.

Desperado

Desperado es muy bueno! Ugh. I bring disgrace to the hispanic side of my family, as well as my high school Spanish teacher who brought me up to near fluency. Anywho.

So this movie? Pretty Bad-Ass. The gun shoot-outs were pretty slick, although I'm sure much of that was due to the convenient pauses were everyone either coincidentally ran out of bullets or decided to take a break. Killing's hard work, yo! I should know; I kill it everyday with my curly hair and random jingles that I sing throughout the house. Mostly to the dog.

Good cast. I mean, Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek are both sex on two legs, respectively, so that always helps. And you get to see her boobs! I could care less about most celebrititties, but Salma's on that exclusive list.

Pretty good overall, but Doug and I agreed on 3.5 stars out of 5. While the action was sweet, points were lost when he calls up his band mates to help him take out a bunch of dudes and they show up with their guitar cases as their only weapons. I'm sorry, but machine guns and torpedo rocket launchers (correction per Doug) built into guitar cases that are awkward as fuck to carry around and aim? Bitch, please.

Additional points were lost due to the anti-climatic ending. Pretty meh during those last few scenes.

Did Tam cry? Nah. I guess I could've squeezed out a tear or two when that kid got shot, but a) he shouldn't have tried to retrieve his guitar during a shoot-out and b) he didn't even die, so whatevs.

Not sure if we'll go back and watch El Mariachi, but may/may not see Once Upon a Time in Mexico. Until then, adios cholos!