BAMF Special Snowed-In Weekend Edition: The Protector

Due to inclement weather botching plans, we were in the mood for something that wasn't 12 Years a Slave or Dallas Buyers Club or any of the multiple downer movies in our queue. "The Protector, eh? ... Tony Jaa? Sure."

If you're not familiar with the bad-assery that is Tony Jaa, step away from this one and immediately watch Ong Bak (which, coincidentally, is the last movie we reviewed here before taking a leave of absence).

The Protector is presented by Quentin Tarantino, so that was a bit of a head's up that shit's 'bout to get real. And it did.

The plot line kinda went in and out for me; it's generally a revenge film involving elephants who were part of the family. So y'know, heartfelt, but also filled with bad guys gettin' the s-h-i-i-i-i-i-i-t beat out of them. By one dude. Tony Jaa (or "Kham").

It reminded me of John Wick, which we watched last week and should also have its own post... Anywho, it's a great formula; take an expert fighter/professional killer and harm or attempt to harm the animal he loves and cares for? Of course the audience wants to see the malicious parties completely obliterated! Like, the next Taken movie should involve a pug puppy or something. Take that shit to a whole new level.

So what, specifically, made this movie so Bad Ass? Well, for starters, soooo many broken bones. Sure, the sound effects were a little heavy-handed at times, but still, Kham was stackin' 'em up. Then, he kept taking on opponents with weapons, while he mostly remained unarmed. I say "mostly" because toward the end, when he's fighting these insane mammoth motherfuckers who are like 7'2" and 300+ pounds of solid muscle, he still manages to take 3 or 4 of them down by using friggin' elephant bones. Remembering how modest Jaa is in size, this was easily one of the most ridiculous fight scenes I've ever seen. ELEPHANT BONES!

It's not all flawless bad-guy-butt-kicking though; Jaa takes his fair share of hard hits. And falls. And stabbings, apparently. At one point in the movie, while taking on what seems to be an endless stream of opponents (think Kill Bill), Jaa, just as he's losing steam, gets stabbed in the ribs. Surely this must be the end. But  no, apparently getting stabbed is his canned spinach. He some how gets re-charged and proceeds in amped-up ass-whoopings.

The movie ends on a positive note, revenge is served, and all is well.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars. I pushed for 4.5, but Doug reminded me of the crappy acting and low-budget effects. So, 4 it is.

Did Tam cry? I teared up a bit at different points, yes. That baby elephant got to me, yo. No where near as many tears shed during John Wick though. Ugh.

Ong Bak

More martial arts this week. I enjoyed this one much more. Probably some of the sweetest fight scenes I've ever seen. And there was even some comedic moments mixed in too, to help keep my narcoleptic-ass engaged.

The leading dude, Tony Jaa, is pretty unsuspecting; smaller, lean physique, yet he regularly beats the shit out of guys 2 or 3 times his size.

One of my favorite Bad-Ass moments? When dude's legs are literally ON FIRE and he kicks the crap out of a bad guy, also catching him on fire. There was bullet-dodging, crafty (yet painful to watch) saw blade/knife action and even a beloved explosion.

I really dug this movie. Good pace, lots of moments where he has to save someone and just all around well-choreographed fight scenes where one lonesome dude has to take on a mob. He even took down a 'roided out dude not once, but twice. Even drug enhancements couldn't stop 'im.

We ended up giving it 4 stars out of 5. I was willing to give it a higher rating, but Doug talked me out of it. His reasoning was, as usual, "it wasn't Die Hard," but I think we may have to re-evaluate our rating system, specifically the Die Hard comparisons.

Anywho, rating aside, this was legit Bad-Ass.

Did Tam cry? I did! Toward the end, during the passing of one of the characters. Couldn't help myself.

13 Assassins

Thirteen Assassins had been in our queue for a while, so last night, we finally gave it a shot.

Good (and true) story line, though that first hour had me either nodding off or grimacing at the violence. Some hari-kari mixed with some pretty fucked up results from a corrupt and all around sociopathic leader.

The battle scene was plentiful (took up most of the second half of the film), gruesome, high-paced and impressive. Thirteen samurais taking on an army of over 200. Mostly sword fighting, but some other weaponry as well. There were even some explosions, which always scores extra points. Insane, bloody and a victorious ending. Well, mostly.

We agreed on 4 stars out of 5. I was leaning toward 3.5 and Doug wanted 4.5, so we split the difference.

Killer Elite

Little bit of a delay in getting this watched this week, but we still made it before the new work week. This seemed like a decent choice given the cast. Three of my favorite boys with "Killer" in the title? Sure, why not.

Slowest two hours of my life. Occasional gruesome violence. Lots of double-crossing. It was pretty "meh" until the last 25 minutes or so. Plenty of building-jumping, hand-to-hand combat and close calls. Even De Niro kept up with the young bloods and had a few good moves. In fact, those last few minutes saved the rating a bit.

Overall, we agreed 3 stars out of 5. It just moved too slow and while the last few scenes were good, there just wasn't enough edge-of-your seat moments. Or explosions. Definitely needed more explosions.

Did Tam cry? No.

Die Hard 2: Die Harder

All in all, ok, but of course, not as good as the original. There simply wasn't as much at stake. I mean, it's gonna take more to engage me in the plot than blowing up a plane full of British people. Yawn.

Seeing John Amos was kinda cool. And it was my first time seeing Fred Thompson in a movie. Taking the guy out with an icicle? Yeah, pretty Bad-Ass. The final plane scene was decent as well.

Just too much back-and-forth for me. Where's McClane? Oh, he's looking at maps with the janitor... Wait, no, now he's at the church trying to sneak up on the bad guys... Strike that, now he's back at the airport tower.


Doug and I agreed, 3.5 stars out of 5.

Did Tam cry? No.

Crank

OMG, this movie was hilariously terrible. I mean, semi-Bad-Ass, but not truly Bad-Ass. Mostly ridiculous with awful, awful writing.

Jason Statham is, surprise!, a professional killer. Gets injected with some kind of drug that slows him down and he's supposed to die within an hour. But instead, he figures out he can stay alive by constantly pumping up his adrenaline, mostly with drugs and sex. Blah, blah, blah. This movie had everyone in it though! Dwight Yokam, Pedro, Dennis from It's Always Sunny, the lead singer from Linkin Park (or however the hell you spell it)... So that was pretty cool.

Don't get me started on Amy Smart though. Holy shit, I wanted to commit murder through the screen so badly when her character was introduced. And let's be real, she's not nearly good-looking enough to be convincible as Jason Statham's girlfriend. Like they couldn't find a better-looking shitty actress. Funny line though; (and I'm paraphrasing) "Baby, I'm not really a video game programmer... I'm a professional killer." HA! Jason Statham, the ridiculously hot, in-shape video game programmer, with the homely, pothead girlfriend. Right. Suspension of Disbelief was in full-effect last night, folks.

Pretty violent scenes. Pedro's character got it pretty bad, as did a few of the bad guys. And the biggest "Whaaaaat?!" scene of them all? Dude is speeding, in a car chase, and shoots one of the cars off the road... WHILE GETTING HEAD! Yeah, that scene alone kept this movie from getting a completely shit rating. As Doug referred to it, "Car-chase shoot-out road-head." There's a pub quiz team name for ya.

To its credit, the pace moved pretty well and kept us engaged and entertained. It was just stupid as shit with a pretty terrible soundtrack. Quiet Riot, a *cover* of "Achy Breaky Heart," Jefferson Starship... Ugh. So, we both agreed, 2.5 stars out of 5.

Did Tam cry? No.

Desperado

Desperado es muy bueno! Ugh. I bring disgrace to the hispanic side of my family, as well as my high school Spanish teacher who brought me up to near fluency. Anywho.

So this movie? Pretty Bad-Ass. The gun shoot-outs were pretty slick, although I'm sure much of that was due to the convenient pauses were everyone either coincidentally ran out of bullets or decided to take a break. Killing's hard work, yo! I should know; I kill it everyday with my curly hair and random jingles that I sing throughout the house. Mostly to the dog.

Good cast. I mean, Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek are both sex on two legs, respectively, so that always helps. And you get to see her boobs! I could care less about most celebrititties, but Salma's on that exclusive list.

Pretty good overall, but Doug and I agreed on 3.5 stars out of 5. While the action was sweet, points were lost when he calls up his band mates to help him take out a bunch of dudes and they show up with their guitar cases as their only weapons. I'm sorry, but machine guns and torpedo rocket launchers (correction per Doug) built into guitar cases that are awkward as fuck to carry around and aim? Bitch, please.

Additional points were lost due to the anti-climatic ending. Pretty meh during those last few scenes.

Did Tam cry? Nah. I guess I could've squeezed out a tear or two when that kid got shot, but a) he shouldn't have tried to retrieve his guitar during a shoot-out and b) he didn't even die, so whatevs.

Not sure if we'll go back and watch El Mariachi, but may/may not see Once Upon a Time in Mexico. Until then, adios cholos!

Commando

Well THIS was a pleasant surprise! Total Bad-Ass. Plenty of explosions, slicing dudes' heads with saw blades, impalin' that broke-ass Freddie Mercury guy with a friggin' pipe, guns, knife fights, hand-to-hand combat.... All the necessary Bad-Ass requirements in place. And it was short, too. Kinda seemed like a precursor to Taken, which helped move the plot along and kept the action steady.

It was hard not to be impressed by Arnold's body in this. Mmmmmmmmmuscle.

We both agreed, 4.5 stars out of 5. The half-star deduction was granted only because it wasn't Die Hard.

Did Tam cry? No.

Bloodsport

We were long overdue for some Jean Claude. Doug will probably disagree with me on that. Pretty cool fight scenes; didn't know it was based on a real guy. The dialogue was mostly bad, but good for laughs. And this guy was in it:

Every time he had a line, I had to shout "NEEEERRRDDSSSS!" His and Jean Claude's characters made for the most awkward on-screen BFFs ever.

Aside from the fighting, loooots of shots of JCVD doing the splits (and one shot of his butt). Guess that made him famous or something. Total 80s, terrible soundtrack, fun to watch. On the Bad-Ass scale, Doug wanted to give it a 4, while I suggested 3, so we compromised and went with 3.5 stars out of 5. That Chong Li guy was a total asshole, so that final fight was pretty Bad-Ass.

Did Tam Cry? No. But I might have if Donald Gibbs' character died.

The Bourne Supremacy

Soooo... I mean, good movie, but still a little conflicted about how fits into the Bad-Ass theme we've got goin' here. Like, entertsining, well-done and all...But not as good as the first.

Doug says 3 stars, I say 2.5.

Did Tam cry? Mmmm... no. When his woman is killed (what? didn't I say this blog is full of spoilers? 'cause it is), I felt nothing. Definitely not a film series known for being emotionally engaging. And not nearly enough explosions or hanging from helicopters to make up for it.

Con Air

Aww, yeah. I had seen this before, but Doug hadn't. Totally forgot Dave Chappelle was in it! Heh, oh, Pinball.

Pretty Bad-Ass from start to finish; breezed through Cage's time in prison and stayed pretty steady all the way through the craziness on the Vegas strip at the end.

Despite his stupid accent, Cage came through on this one. Savin' the cop from getting raped, gets his buddy's insulin shot just in time, and a bunch of other shit to save the day.

We both agreed, 4 stars out of 5. Deductions were made for using the same shitty song in the opening and closing of the film ("How Do I Live Without You" by Leann Rimes) and for excessive plot holes that really pushed the limit of suspension of disbelief. Otherwise, pretty classic Bad-Ass.

Did Tam cry? I teared up through a few parts here and there that I can't remember specifically, so I'm going to blame that on the combination of booze and my period.

Fearless

Finally decided to bring back some martial arts. Looked for some Jet Li on Netflix and here we go.

Started out with some bad-ass fights right from the start, so major points earned there. Some points were lost during the middle for some slow-moving story development, but it was still entertaining nonetheless.

Great choreography of course, which led to many "Whaaaaaat?!" moments.

Overall Bad-Ass rating: 3.5 stars out of 5.

Did Tam cry: I did. Twice, actually. Once when he's talking to his daughter's grave and again at the end during his final speech.

Aliens

So, Aliens. Meh. It's sci-fi, which neither of us particularly care about. Only watched the first one as part of the AFI Top 100 project we finished a while back.

Long, sorta action-y toward the end. Bill Paxton was mildly amusing. Mildly being the key word here. Oh, and Paul Reiser, you turd! Am I right?

On the Bad-Ass scale, 2.5 stars out of 5.

Did Tam cry? Nope.

Mission: Impossible

Doug hadn't seen this one before and I hadn't seen it since it came out. Plus the latest one sounds pretty Bad-Ass, so it would be nice to catch-up and watch the others. Plus, I have a boner for Tom Cruise STILL. Going on, like, 20-some years now. I don't care what the haters say; I wouldn't kick the man out of bed for eatin' Scientology crackers. Anywho.

Oh, poor Gordon Bombay. Your character gets killed off within the first 10 minutes. Probably because Brian De Palma quickly realized how unconvincing Emilio Estevez is as some geeked-out CIA hacker specialist. Buuuuuh.

I didn't understand what the hell was going on the first time I saw it, and I didn't understand this time. But hey, there's the guy from "The Professional" and Ving Rhames- that seems kinda Bad-Ass!

Pretty slow for about 90% of the film. But, the train/helicopter scene was the shiiiiit, so we agreed on 3.5 stars out of 5.

Did Tam cry? Nope.

Taken

FINALLY, a movie that didn't suck. BAMF is back in full force! Thanks to my cousin and her husband for letting us borrow this.

Doug had his doubts about Liam Neeson being Bad-Ass, but I figured given the plot, it had to be worth a watch and couldn't possibly be worse than Fifth Element or Highlander. And it so wasn't.

Torture scene? Check. Bad-Ass car chases that make me want to buy an Audi? Check. Taking out all of those fuckers on the boat? Suh-weeet! Also, check.

It was well-paced too. Just under 90 minutes, so it was non-stop Bad-Assery, topped off with a happy ending of course.

It was kinda sad about her friend, y'know, dying, but uh... Being too eager to share cabs with strangers in a foreign country? Well, lesson learned, eh?

Anyway, Doug and I agreed on the rating: 4.5 stars out of 5. The half-star deduction simply because it wasn't Die Hard.

Did Tam cry? I got choked up at the end during the father-daughter reunion. Yeah, that horse you got for your birthday didn't save you, did he? Mmm-hmm.

Great Bad-Assery. Now back to my bourbon.

n/a

Watching "The Fifth Element" after a suggestion from a coworker.

Um, no.

Piece of shit with no Bad-Ass qualities whatsoever. Doesn't qualify, so no rating.

Between this and Highlander, we need to step up our game. A Bourne sequel. Jason Statham. Something. No more crap.

Highlander (with RiffTrax)

Wow, this was a piece of shit. Not even in a fun way. How this went on to spawn sequels and a TV series, I'll never understand. Doug and I had never seen it though, so we thought it would be worthy of BAMF, but it wasn't, not by a long shot.

Having RiffTrax helped for laughs, but I still started to fall asleep, even after a cup of coffee half way through. During the opening credits, I thought, "Oh, Sean Connery! Soundtrack by Queen! Surely this must be awesome!" Sigh.

Ah, well. Hopefully we'll have better judgement next week. I'm giving it 2 stars out of 5. One and a half stars for the mildly cool sword fights and decapitations and another half star for a drinking game opportunity: every time someone says "There can only be one," take a shot. Of hard liquor. Or heroin. Doesn't matter.

Did Tam cry: Almost. Because I was so goddamn bored.

Terminator 2: Judgement Day

Super-late in posting this. Despite packing and moving last weekend, we still managed to squeeze in BAMF.

-Heeeeey, Budnick from "Salute Your Shorts"!

-Never understood the appeal of Edward Furlong. Probably for the same reasons I didn't understand the appeal of Leo DiCaprio during that same time period. Side-swept hair and squint-y eyes? Meh. But I digress.

-I was finally able to witness what people in the fitness world have referenced time and time again: Linda Hamilton's arms. Gun show, indeed. She was crazy bad-ass.

-No, John, the robot can't be your new daddy.

Way better than the first. Forgot to discuss the rating with Doug, but I think 4 stars out of 5 is pretty fair.

Did Tam cry? Nah.

True Lies

Moved pretty slow, but in the last 40 minutes, totally Bad-Ass. Too tired to say much else, but Doug and I agree: 4.5 stars out of 5. Besides Harry taking out multiple terrorists while pulling off some cool shit to save his wife and daughter, it was also pretty funny when Bill Paxton pissed himself not once, but twice.

Did Tam cry: Nah.

The Terminator.

Man, Kyle is hot. *waves* Hiii Kyyyyle!

Shit was nuts! Bodies droppin', skulls crushin', cars crashin'... Definitely many moments of classic Bad-Assery. TITTIES!

Buuuut... We're giving it 3 out of 5 stars. After some discussion, Doug pointed out that, unlike, say, Die Hard, the protagonists didn't necessarily find themselves in increasingly desperate situations that left you on the edge of your seat wondering "How the deuce are they gonna make it out of THIS?!" You're basically watching the same chase over and over. But, as Doug pointed out (because yes, this was my first time seeing it, not his), they're just trying to get through story establishment so they can jump into a much more Bad-Ass sequel.

So, there we have it.

Did Tam cry? Nah. Kinda bummed about Hot Kyle, but his demise is kind of a major plot point, so, y'know, whatevs.